12 – 90mins – 1987
THIS TIME IT’S PERISHABLE
My overriding takeaway from watching this great white four-quel in my youth was one of complete astonishment: astonishment at how poor the shark looked despite being made 12years after Spielberg’s Oscar-winning original; astonishment at the laughable number of movie magic-ruining continuity errors; astonishment that original star Lorraine Gary and megastar Michael Caine were happy to have their names attributed to such a sorry production. Even as a child I knew this was so-bad-it’s-hilarious.
… Keep Scuttling!
Written by: Matt Haig
Illustrated by: Chris Mould
Published in the UK by: Canongate, 2015
YOUNG SAINT NICK
While I openly appreciate that I am far beyond the target demographic for this Primary school-skewed prequel detailing how a lonely and underprivileged woodcutter’s son grew up into the magical gift-giving, mince pie-munching Father of the festive season, I was on the lookout for an easy Christmas read to get me in the spirit. This much-applauded “future Classic” (as broadcaster-cum-novelist Simon Mayo hailed it) from the Number One Bestselling author of The Runaway Troll sounded like the perfect pick.
… Keep Scuttling!
15 – 105mins – 2016
PARTY LIKE IT’S 19:00
The night before last I donned my free Coca Cola Santa hat and got into the Christmas spirit for a Cineworld Unlimited Preview Screening of a raucous new ensemble comedy from the directorial duo behind Blades of Glory and The Switch, Will Speck and Josh Gordon. Not officially released in the UK until today (December 7th), Office Christmas Party certainly puts the “high” in Ding, Dong Merrily…
… Keep Scuttling!
FINGER LICKIN’ FESTIVE FRIGHTENER
Can a ride on THE ROAD TO HELL turn the principles of a strict vegetarian upside down?
On the first day of advent your good CR@B gave to thee… news of a festive short story you can download for FREE!
That’s right folks, December 1st 2016 marks not only the first door you get to open on your advent calendar but also the Book Birthday of my first ever officially published eBook!
Carnivore is a Christmas horror story with added BITE and it is available to download and loan from Suffolk Libraries’ Overdrive website for all who own a library card. A direct link to the book’s page is HERE and a list of installation instructions for the app and all compatible tablets, smartphones, eReaders and PCs is HERE.
I realise this method is a little restrictive to those who live further afield, but as a first step towards publication I am majorly chuffed that an example of my fiction is out there to be DEVOURED by the hungry masses…
15 – 97mins – 2015
DICK THE HALLS
For people of a certain age and particular mentality, this is a fun and easily accessible conglomo-homage to all the classic Christmas movies they watched growing up (Home Alone, Die Hard, Santa Claus: The Movie, It’s A Wonderful Life, The Grinch), fused with some trademark Seth Rogan stoner humour and life-affirming epiphanies. For everyone else, this is a series of crude and lazy riffs on more popular films which are used as a crutch to support some frankly immature and indecent japes, with the whole sorry affair tied up in an overly-sentimental bow.
From the guys who brought you Pineapple Express comes yet another excuse for Seth Rogan to get his bezzie mates in a film, with The Walk‘s Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Anthony Mackie completing a trio of lifelong friends who meet up every Christmas Eve to totally lose their shit to drink and debauchery in an effort to help JGL’s Ethan get over the painful time of year when he lost his parents 15 years earlier.
Realising that work commitments, family responsibility and adulthood are looming and pulling them all in different directions, the ladz decide to hang up their annual festive tradition with one final motherfunkin’ blow-out at the Holy Grail of Christmas parties – the elusive, invite-only Nutcracka Ball. I suppose an alternative title could have been This Is The End of Christmas Tradition.
Bewilderingly, Isaac (Rogen) is gifted a Pandora’s box of drugs by his astoundingly understanding pregnant wife (Jillian Bell), while newly famous football star Chris (Mackie) is desperate to avoid his smothering mother (Lorraine Toussaint) and score some weed to impress his domineering jack-ass of a team captain (Aaron Hill). Commitment-phobic Ethan, however, is just looking for a chance to forget what a mess his life is in and hang out with his childhood buds – until he bumps into his ex (Lizzy Caplan), and realises he may have made a big mistake in letting her go…
With swapped mobiles, stolen stashes, chance encounters and an enigmatic drug dealer (Michael Shannon) busying their road to the Ball, the bromance suffers some kicks to the nether-regions before the pals get wise and comfortable with growing up and settling down. It’s a sweet and timeless message to end on, provided you can endure a crowbarred Miley Cyrus sing-along (akin to her stint in A Very Murray Christmas) and James Franco dick pics (yes, you read that right) en route.