Kindergarten Cop 2 (DVD Review)

12 – 96mins – 2016


 

CRISS CROSS APPLESAUCE

“Let’s put the mac and cheese back on the stove and get this playdate started!”

KC2 is a most curious thing. Watched in isolation away from the early 90s Arnold Schwarzenegger classic it follows on from, it is a perfectly competent, if lightweight, action-comedy which once again trades on the dichotomy between a hulking, stone-faced FBI agent (step up Dolph Lundgren) and a gaggle of hyperactive, allergy-aware, accident prone pre-schoolers.

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Annabelle (DVD Review)

15 – 95mins – 2014


 

DEVIL’S WELCOME

“It cannot truly ever be destroyed…”

Set before but filmed after James Wan’s 2013 horror hit The Conjuring (the sequel of which I reviewed HERE), Annabelle is the creepy doll-centric spin-off which has recently been given a Creation story, now in cinemas nationwide, which itself is set before but filmed after Wish Upon director John R. Leonetti’s period frightener.

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Table 19 (DVD Review)

12 – 87mins – 2017


 

ACCEPTS WITH PLEASURE REGRET

“It’s the same wedding no matter what table you’re at, right?”

Demoted from maid of honour duties at her oldest friend’s wedding after she is ingloriously dumped by the bride’s brother – and the best man – just two months prior to the big day, Eloise McGarry (Anna Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates Kendrick) is nevertheless determined to hold her head up high and still attend the reception. She begins to regret her decision, however, when she finds herself seated waaaay back at Table 19, near the toilets. A table populated by reluctantly-invited guests who really should have known to decline by RSVP.

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Dragonheart: Battle for the Heartfire (DVD Review)

12 – 94mins – 2017


A LEGENDARY TAIL

For the uninitiated, brace yourself: this is a review of Dragonheart… 4. That’s right, somehow the medieval fantasy movie where Dennis Quaid tracked down a talking dragon with Sean Connery’s voice has quietly hatched three sequels since its theatrical bow in 1996. First follow-up A New Beginning is easily ignored, despite coming 3 years later it is the epitome of a cheap cash-grab, with a largely unknown cast (the older brother from Malcolm in the Middle is the only ‘name’), a ropey CG baby dragon, minimal locations and the distinct feeling it was filmed on all of three cramped sets.

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Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (DVD Review)

15 – 102mins – 2017


 

WELCOME HOME

“Sometimes I feel like this has been my whole life.”

In no immediate rush to devour this Capcom-inspired blockbuster videogame spin-off, I set out to re-watch all five of the preceding chapters in the sci-fi-action-horror film series before closing out the 15-year story with this final chunk of the corpse. I got as far as the third film before my rental copy of The Final Chapter was due back, so to save myself a fine I had to skip ahead. I shouldn’t have worried, however, as Paul W.S. Anderson’s passion project opened with a lengthy comprehensive saga recap, commentated by zombie-slaughtering mainstay Alice (Milla Jovovich).

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Jackie (DVD Review)

15 – 95mins – 2016


 

A MOTHER TO US ALL

“What did the bullet sound like?”

Set just one week after the assassination of President John F. Kennedy (Caspar Phillipson) in 1963, Pablo Larrain’s Oscar-nominated biographical drama takes the form of a private press interview between Billy Cruddup’s unnamed journalist and the grieving, newly-widowed First Lady (Natalie Portman). Throughout their on-the-record discussion, Jacqueline Kennedy flashes back to times before, during and after Lee Harvey Oswald’s fateful motorcade shooting, and the burial of her husband.

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Diana (DVD Review)

12 – 108mins – 2013


 

QUEEN OF HEARTS

A few years ago, before I had watched The Queen, Stephen Frears’ Academy Award-winning film about the monarchy’s reaction to the death of Princess Diana, I tried to blag my way through a discussion about it with an acquaintance who I knew had a high-brow taste in films. “It’s a serviceable drama,” I blagged, “but it plays like a TV movie.” This fabricated nugget came from my vague memory of hearing a critic make a similar derogatory comment. Plus, I knew the Peter Morgan-scripted piece of speculative fiction was produced by Granada (A.K.A. ITV). “And what’s so wrong with a TV movie?” my acquaintance shot back. I was stumped; ruse unravelled.

… Keep Scuttling!