A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (Blu-ray Review)

18 – 97mins – 1987


 

INTO THE FIRE

“Welcome to the snake pit!”

Both ANOES creator Wes Craven and breakout star Heather Langenkamp return to Elm Street after sitting out subtext-heavy, quick-fire follow-up Freddy’s Revenge (reviewed HERE). Like its immediate predecessor, Dream Warriors hits the ground running with a wealth of fiendishly fresh ideas and retrofitted backstory, contributing emphatically to dream-stalking child-killer Freddy Krueger’s (Robert Lake Placid vs Anaconda Englund) grizzly mythology.

… Keep Scuttling!

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Blade Runner 2049 (Cinema Review)

15 – 163mins – 2017 – 3D


 

TINPLATE SOLDIER

At the risk of irreparably damaging my geek credentials, I have a confession to make: I don’t really like Blade Runner. I’m sorry. I have tried, trust me, I even own a DVD copy of the 1992 Director’s Cut of Ridley Scott’s cult neo-noir classic set in a futuristic Los Angeles 2019. In recent memory, I have watched it at least three times, but the film draaaags at such an exasperating and dreary pace, and the visuals – for all their atmospheric merit – are marred by dystopian grime. The whole experience feels dirty and dated and it has never engaged me.

… Keep Scuttling!

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (Blu-ray Review)

18 – 87mins – 1985


THE DEADLY DINOSAUR

“Something is trying to get inside my body…”

Set five years after the original Nightmare (reviewed HERE), quickly-produced sequel Freddy’s Revenge sees high schooler Jesse Walsh (Mark Patton) and his family move onto Elm Street – and into the former home of dream-stalked survivor Nancy Thompson. Upon reading Nancy’s left-behind diary, Jesse is bedevilled with horrific night terrors and uncharacteristically violent outbursts. From beyond the grave, Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) needs a host body to carry out his revenge against the community’s youth.

… Keep Scuttling!

Kindergarten Cop 2 (DVD Review)

12 – 96mins – 2016


 

CRISS CROSS APPLESAUCE

“Let’s put the mac and cheese back on the stove and get this playdate started!”

KC2 is a most curious thing. Watched in isolation away from the early 90s Arnold Schwarzenegger classic it follows on from, it is a perfectly competent, if lightweight, action-comedy which once again trades on the dichotomy between a hulking, stone-faced FBI agent (step up Dolph Lundgren) and a gaggle of hyperactive, allergy-aware, accident prone pre-schoolers.

… Keep Scuttling!

Jaws: The Revenge (Blu-ray Review)

12 – 90mins – 1987


 

THIS TIME IT’S PERISHABLE

My overriding takeaway from watching this great white four-quel in my youth was one of complete astonishment: astonishment at how poor the shark looked despite being made 12years after Spielberg’s Oscar-winning original; astonishment at the laughable number of movie magic-ruining continuity errors; astonishment that original star Lorraine Gary and megastar Michael Caine were happy to have their names attributed to such a sorry production. Even as a child I knew this was so-bad-it’s-hilarious.

… Keep Scuttling!

Dragonheart: Battle for the Heartfire (DVD Review)

12 – 94mins – 2017


A LEGENDARY TAIL

For the uninitiated, brace yourself: this is a review of Dragonheart… 4. That’s right, somehow the medieval fantasy movie where Dennis Quaid tracked down a talking dragon with Sean Connery’s voice has quietly hatched three sequels since its theatrical bow in 1996. First follow-up A New Beginning is easily ignored, despite coming 3 years later it is the epitome of a cheap cash-grab, with a largely unknown cast (the older brother from Malcolm in the Middle is the only ‘name’), a ropey CG baby dragon, minimal locations and the distinct feeling it was filmed on all of three cramped sets.

… Keep Scuttling!

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (DVD Review)

15 – 102mins – 2017


 

WELCOME HOME

“Sometimes I feel like this has been my whole life.”

In no immediate rush to devour this Capcom-inspired blockbuster videogame spin-off, I set out to re-watch all five of the preceding chapters in the sci-fi-action-horror film series before closing out the 15-year story with this final chunk of the corpse. I got as far as the third film before my rental copy of The Final Chapter was due back, so to save myself a fine I had to skip ahead. I shouldn’t have worried, however, as Paul W.S. Anderson’s passion project opened with a lengthy comprehensive saga recap, commentated by zombie-slaughtering mainstay Alice (Milla Jovovich).

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