In Bruges (Netflix Review)

18 – 106mins – 2008


 

NOOKS AND CRANNIES

“How can a fucking fairy-tale NOT be someone’s cup of tea?!”

Rejoice, CR@B fans, for I am back! Did you miss me?

What do you mean you didn’t even know I had gone?! Well, as my none-too-subtle choice of film illuminates, I have just got back from a glorious mini-break in the medieval, alcove-ridden Belgium market town of Bruges (or Brugge to the locals). Of course I ate my body weight at the numerous chocolatiers and drank the local brewery dry, but I also climbed the 300+ steps to the apex of the clock tower, which features prominently in writer/director Martin McDonagh’s blackly-comic BAFTA-winning crime drama, which recently made its Netflix debut (what timing!).

… Keep Scuttling!

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Ouija: Origin of Evil (Blu-ray Review)

15 – 99mins – 2016


 

THE MYSTIFYING ORACLE

“This game was designed to make us scare ourselves.”

My questionable foray into Whaley House aside, my film viewing in the run-up to Halloween largely consisted of rewatching recent blu-rays I have bought (The Boy, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, The Witch) and first time viewings of genre classics I really should have seen sooner (A Nightmare on Elm Street, Child’s Play, Critters). So, on All Hallows’ Eve, I reserved a recent release I had long anticipated… what a fool I was!

… Keep Scuttling!

The Darkness (DVD Review)

Image result for the darkness 2016

15 – 99mins – 2017


 

THOSE OF DEATH’S DOMAIN

“Sometimes the answer you are looking for is going to come from some place you’re not looking…”

Unbeknownst to his less-than-happy family, autistic young teen Mikey (David Incarnate Mazouz) brings home five mystic stones from a camping trip to the Grand Canyon; each stone represents a guardian of the ancient Anasazi Indians’ spirit world. No-one raises an eyebrow when Mikey begins talking to an invisible friend (“Jenny did it!”), but when strange noises can be heard, taps begin turning themselves on and a fire is inexplicably started, the Taylor family begin to suspect supernatural forces are invading their home.

… Keep Scuttling!

Jaws: The Revenge (Blu-ray Review)

12 – 90mins – 1987


 

THIS TIME IT’S PERISHABLE

My overriding takeaway from watching this great white four-quel in my youth was one of complete astonishment: astonishment at how poor the shark looked despite being made 12years after Spielberg’s Oscar-winning original; astonishment at the laughable number of movie magic-ruining continuity errors; astonishment that original star Lorraine Gary and megastar Michael Caine were happy to have their names attributed to such a sorry production. Even as a child I knew this was so-bad-it’s-hilarious.

… Keep Scuttling!

Dragonheart: Battle for the Heartfire (DVD Review)

12 – 94mins – 2017


A LEGENDARY TAIL

For the uninitiated, brace yourself: this is a review of Dragonheart… 4. That’s right, somehow the medieval fantasy movie where Dennis Quaid tracked down a talking dragon with Sean Connery’s voice has quietly hatched three sequels since its theatrical bow in 1996. First follow-up A New Beginning is easily ignored, despite coming 3 years later it is the epitome of a cheap cash-grab, with a largely unknown cast (the older brother from Malcolm in the Middle is the only ‘name’), a ropey CG baby dragon, minimal locations and the distinct feeling it was filmed on all of three cramped sets.

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Despicable Me 3 (Cinema Review)

U – 90mins – 2017 – 3D


 

GRU GONE GOOD

Happily married to Lucy (Kristen Ghostbusters Wiig) and living a respectable life as a father to his three adopted girls, former supervillain Gru (Steve Carell) is now a top agent for the Anti-Villain League. But when new blood takes over the AVL, Gru and Lucy find themselves thrown to the curb for failing to apprehend former child-star-turned-jewel-thief Balthazar Bratt (Trey Parker). Will reuniting with his long-lost twin brother, Dru (also Carell), see Gru back on a path to heroism, or will Dru coerce him to return to his shady past?

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The Mummy (Cinema Review)

15 – 110mins – 2017 – 3D


 

ANTIQUITY’S DARKEST SECRET

After Marvel and DC looted the shared universe tomb and ran away with the box office treasure, original pioneers Universal have resurrected their classic Monster movies from the 1930s in a rebooted series known collectively as the Dark Universe, of which bandage-wrapped walking corpse The Mummy – in its third studio incarnation and gallizionth on-screen appearance – is the introductory instalment.

… Keep Scuttling!