Dragonheart: Battle for the Heartfire (DVD Review)

12 – 94mins – 2017


A LEGENDARY TAIL

For the uninitiated, brace yourself: this is a review of Dragonheart… 4. That’s right, somehow the medieval fantasy movie where Dennis Quaid tracked down a talking dragon with Sean Connery’s voice has quietly hatched three sequels since its theatrical bow in 1996. First follow-up A New Beginning is easily ignored, despite coming 3 years later it is the epitome of a cheap cash-grab, with a largely unknown cast (the older brother from Malcolm in the Middle is the only ‘name’), a ropey CG baby dragon, minimal locations and the distinct feeling it was filmed on all of three cramped sets.

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Despicable Me 3 (Cinema Review)

U – 90mins – 2017 – 3D


 

GRU GONE GOOD

Happily married to Lucy (Kristen Ghostbusters Wiig) and living a respectable life as a father to his three adopted girls, former supervillain Gru (Steve Carell) is now a top agent for the Anti-Villain League. But when new blood takes over the AVL, Gru and Lucy find themselves thrown to the curb for failing to apprehend former child-star-turned-jewel-thief Balthazar Bratt (Trey Parker). Will reuniting with his long-lost twin brother, Dru (also Carell), see Gru back on a path to heroism, or will Dru coerce him to return to his shady past?

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The Mummy (Cinema Review)

15 – 110mins – 2017 – 3D


 

ANTIQUITY’S DARKEST SECRET

After Marvel and DC looted the shared universe tomb and ran away with the box office treasure, original pioneers Universal have resurrected their classic Monster movies from the 1930s in a rebooted series known collectively as the Dark Universe, of which bandage-wrapped walking corpse The Mummy – in its third studio incarnation and gallizionth on-screen appearance – is the introductory instalment.

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Frank & Lola (DVD Review)

18 – 87mins – 2017


 

LOVE IS NO FAIRY TALE

Opening on an intense lovemaking scene between Las Vegas chef Frank (Michael Midnight Special Shannon) and aspiring fashion designer Lola (Imogen Green Room Poots), I honestly thought I was in for a Fifty Shades-style erotic thriller with debuting director Matthew Ross’ protagonist-named straight-to-DVD feature. But aside from this brief and surprising snatch of nudity from the gorgeous Ms. Poots, this is as titillating as Frank & Lola gets. The ensuing 80-plus minutes does deal with sexual themes, but in a far darker and less intimate manner.

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Fast & Furious 8 (Cinema Review)

Image result for the fate of the furious

12A – 136mins – 2017


 

ROGUE DOM: A CAR WARS STORY

Not trusting British audiences with an iota of common sense, the nut-jobs at Universal Pictures reverted the title of this seventh (Vin) Diesel-fuelled, car-loving action sequel back to the boring, uninspired, numerically denominated handle you read above, missing out on the witty promotion opportunity open to overseas markets where the blockbuster retains its original and superior appellation: The Fate of the Furious. F8, geddit?!

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Incarnate (Film Review)

15 – 91mins – 2016


 

PARASITIC PURGE

Inception meets The Exorcist in this barmy WWE Studios and Blumhouse co-produced paranormal Aaron Eckhart vehicle, which sees the usually trim and hunky London Has Fallen star grizzled-chopped, lank-haired and wheelchair-bound as Dr. Seth Ember, the sole survivor of a road accident which sets him on a mission to track down “Maggie,” the driver of the car which robbed him of the use of his legs, his wife and young son.

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Zombeavers (DVD Review)

15 – 78mins – 2014


 

BEAVER FEVER

Much like schlocky Syfy fare such as Sharknado, Lavalantula and Megashark vs Crocosaurus, the title of co-writer/director Jordan Rubin’s film debut leaves you in no doubt as to the preposterous nonsense in store for horror-comedy fans who lodge Zombeavers in their DVD players. Sadly, even alert to the absurdities that awaited me and open to taking nothing seriously, I was still enormously dissatisfied with the moronic mutant madness which played out over a mercifully meagre runtime.

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