Kindergarten Cop 2 (DVD Review)

12 – 96mins – 2016


 

CRISS CROSS APPLESAUCE

“Let’s put the mac and cheese back on the stove and get this playdate started!”

KC2 is a most curious thing. Watched in isolation away from the early 90s Arnold Schwarzenegger classic it follows on from, it is a perfectly competent, if lightweight, action-comedy which once again trades on the dichotomy between a hulking, stone-faced FBI agent (step up Dolph Lundgren) and a gaggle of hyperactive, allergy-aware, accident prone pre-schoolers.

… Keep Scuttling!

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Jaws: The Revenge (Blu-ray Review)

12 – 90mins – 1987


 

THIS TIME IT’S PERISHABLE

My overriding takeaway from watching this great white four-quel in my youth was one of complete astonishment: astonishment at how poor the shark looked despite being made 12years after Spielberg’s Oscar-winning original; astonishment at the laughable number of movie magic-ruining continuity errors; astonishment that original star Lorraine Gary and megastar Michael Caine were happy to have their names attributed to such a sorry production. Even as a child I knew this was so-bad-it’s-hilarious.

… Keep Scuttling!

Smokey and the Bandit II (Blu-ray Review)

Image result for smokey and the bandit II

ATTENTION ALL YOU SOMBITCHES!

My series of reviews inspecting and dissecting the Smokey and the Bandit trilogy of action-comedies (which I started right HERE with the 1977 original) has hot-wheeled it over to the 80’s Picture House for film number two, so follow the link RIGHT HERE to ride on over to read my thoughts on the Burt Reynolds/Sally Field-starring sequel which was originally titled Smokey and the Bandit Ride Again.

… Keep Scuttling!

Doctor Who: The Movie (Blu-ray Review)

12 – 86mins – 1996


 

AN EYE FOR A LIFE

A staple of BBC programming for years before and after, this TV Movie – broadcast in May of 1996 but set on New Year’s Eve 1999 – is something of a black sheep in the serialised sci-fi family drama’s cannon. Premiering during the “wilderness years” after its 1989 cancellation it was intended as a backdoor pilot to a revived series, but never capitalising on its renewed interest in the dormant property. Doctor Who wouldn’t return to weekly episodes for almost another decade.

… Keep Scuttling!

Bride of Frankenstein (Blu-ray Review)

15 – 75mins – 1935 – B&W


 

THE MONSTER’S MATE

“Be fruitful and multiply!”

Despite some flagrant concessions to lazy sequel syndrome (both ‘dead’ leads from 1931’s adapted predecessor conveniently survived apparent deaths; the same ‘man thrown from precipice’ climax is recycled) and yet more awkward tonal shifts from Universal Studio’s go-to director, James The Invisible Man Whale (from inhumane horror to hysterical humour in the space of a poorly-delivered line), this universe-broadening follow-up is otherwise an all-together superior and more refined monster.

A remarkably post-modern framing device sets the quality bar sky-high from the off, with Bride introduced by Frankenstein author Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley (Elsa Lanchester) ‘herself’, niftily recanting the original tale and teasing her lofty literary circle of Lord Byron (Gavin Gordon) and Percy Bysshe Shelley (Douglas Walton) that more is to come…

“The monster lived right through the fire…”

By bringing back both human catalyst Henry Frankenstein (Colin Clive) and his lumbering creation (Boris The Mummy Karloff), and by using the controversial scientist’s flamboyant Peter Cushing-esque mentor, Doctor Pretorius (Ernest Thesiger), to coerce a “supreme collaboration” in the unholy quest to make life in God’s own image, you could accuse screenwriter William Hurlbut of orchestrating a carbon rehash of the urtext’s plot. The third time you hear the iconic catchphrase, you might feel things are being played far too safe.

However, some truly gobsmacking FX (for its day) in bringing Pretorius’ “mini monarchs” to life, and some gravitas-delivering character development for Karloff’s shamed outcast-in-hiding truly elevates this envelope-pushing production. The scene is cribbed from the hiding in a shed subplot described in Shelley’s original text (“Alone, bad. Friend, good”), but such emotional depth was largely absent from the first film, much to its detriment.

Elsa Lanchester has an electrifying effect in the second of her dual roles. Despite a scandalous lack of screen time (all of 5 climatic minutes), her twitchy and erratic portrayal of the titular mate-order Bride is an iconic revelation, delivering a cruel and crushing judgement to the hopeful-yet-ignorant Monster which makes for a bravely downbeat last-gasp dénouement: “We belong dead.”

CR@B Verdict: 4 stars

The Invisible Man (Blu-ray Review)

12 – 72mins – 1933 – B&W


 

THE PHANTOM MENACE

Overcoming an avalanche of production issues and cast and crew shake ups which would have derailed many lesser film studios, it’s remarkable that Universal’s adaptation of H.G. Wells’ 1897 “fantastic sensation” even made it to the screen – much less that it is now considered a “culturally, historically or aesthetically significant” work of art worthy of preservation by the US National Film Registry.

If I’m being bluntly honest, I feel it falls somewhat short of such an honour, but the fact that two screenwriters were fired, a director left and the first choice of leading man (Boris The Mummy Karloff) was pushed away due to salary cuts before production even began – and then a fire on an exterior set caused considerable damage during filming – I feel somewhat obliged to forgive James Frankenstein Whale’s film its tonal inconsistency.

Claude Rains eventually stepped into the (largely unseen) role of bandage-swathed scientist Dr. Jack Griffin, who was interrupted while experimenting with a dangerous drug called monocane, turned him transparent – and raving mad. With his obsession for a “reign of terror” overpowering his commitment to researching an anecdote to his condition, it is up to Sussex police, villagers, colleagues (Henry Travers, William Harrigan) and Griffin’s fiancée (Gloria Stuart) to bait the madman into stopping his killing spree.

I will confess that that synopsis sounds suitably terrifying for a Universal Monster Movie, however some outrageously theatrical and melodramatic acting – particularly from the innkeeper’s screeching wife (Una O’Connor) – somewhat deter from the film’s initially mysterious ambiance in introducing the “disfigured stranger” one snowy night. Things almost descend into outright farce when a local bobby chases the disembodied voice around his hotel room – all that’s missing is the Benny Hill theme!

“How can I handcuff a bloomin’ scarf?!”

Thankfully, any comedic excess cannot diminish the creepiness of Griffin’s first on-screen undressing, cackling maniacally as he disrobes to reveal his “eaten away” appearance (or lack thereof). It is in its remarkably impressive effects work that The Invisible Man excels, not only in its extensive ‘ghost’ shots, but a rather spectacular car and train crash in the final act presents a grander scale and more menacing edge, sharpening the film’s frivolous self-indulgence.

CR@B Verdict: 3 stars

The Huntsman: Winter’s War (Cinema Review)

12A – 117mins – 2016


 

MIRROR EARTH

Tolkien meets Frozen in this gritty, teen-targeted, action-heavy Kristen Stewart-less swearytale spin-off from 2012’s Snow White & the Huntsman. Cedric Nicolas-Troyan, the visual effects supervisor on the first film, makes his directorial debut, promoted after Rupert Sanders’ well publicised extramarital scandal with K-Stew.

Initially planned as a prequel to avoid explaining Snow White’s absence, Winter’s War is actually both an origin story for Chris Thor Hemsworth’s axe-handy Eric and a sequel, with the action skipping seven years and enveloping the previous films’ events.

Welcomely narrated by Liam Neeson’s assuring tones, we are re-introduced to a pre-death sorceress Ravenna (the returning Charlize Theron) and her fairer sister, Freya (Emily Blunt), who is involved in an illicit liaison with Merlin’s Colin Morgan. When Freya discovers Morgan’s Duke has murdered their child, grief brings her long-suppressed magical powers to the fore, and the Ice Queen is born.

Setting up her own kingdom in the North, Freya begins recruiting children to form a hardened army of cold-hearted huntsmen. When her two best warriors, Eric and Sara (Jessica Chastain), fall in love, Freya furiously forces Eric to watch as Sara is slain behind a wall of ice, before Eric’s unconscious body is thrown into the water…

Seven years (and a box office hit) later and a still-grieving Eric is recruited by Snow White’s husband, King William (Sam Claflin, who all-but cameos) to locate the shiny menace that is the Magic Mirror, which was stolen while being transported to “Sanctuary”, after it made the bed-bound Queen ill (handy, that).

Plucky dwarf Nion (Nick Frost) returns, accompanied by his humorously mouthy kin, Gryff (Rob Brydon), to aid Eric in his quest, which sees the unlikely trio reunited with a not-dead Sara (shocker!), battle goblins, team up with she-dwarfs (Sheridan Smith and Alexandra Roach), survive countless ambushes and confront Freya in a climatic battle in her Ice Palace to ensure the sort-after MacGuffin doesn’t fall into the wrong hands all over again.

With a mission which sees our motley band of heroes cross kingdoms, we are treated to a plethora of sumptuous fantasy landscapes and creatures both fair and foul, granting Winter’s War an expansive, large scale feel. Similarly, the expanding cast are all worthy additions to this Grimm world, ranging from empowering (Chastain), to domineering (Blunt) and cheeky (Brydon), and yet, they all fail to distract from the Kristen Stewart-shaped elephant missing from the throne room…

This is a follow up motivated by money and sadly defined by the loss of its star, with Snow White frequently referenced but never seen (aside from one clip, shot from behind, which was clearly an extra), with the biggest offence coming when Freya asks the Magic Mirror that most fateful question. As a golden figure is summoned forth and gradually forms before our eyes, the camera purposefully avoids showing Ravenna’s resurrected face until the last possible moment, playing with the audience’s expectations of who the fairest of them all really is, before shattering the illusion into a thousand anti-climatic shards.

CR@B Verdict: 3 stars