Dragonheart: Battle for the Heartfire (DVD Review)

12 – 94mins – 2017


A LEGENDARY TAIL

For the uninitiated, brace yourself: this is a review of Dragonheart… 4. That’s right, somehow the medieval fantasy movie where Dennis Quaid tracked down a talking dragon with Sean Connery’s voice has quietly hatched three sequels since its theatrical bow in 1996. First follow-up A New Beginning is easily ignored, despite coming 3 years later it is the epitome of a cheap cash-grab, with a largely unknown cast (the older brother from Malcolm in the Middle is the only ‘name’), a ropey CG baby dragon, minimal locations and the distinct feeling it was filmed on all of three cramped sets.

… Keep Scuttling!

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (Cinema Review)

12A – 137mins – 2017 – 3D


 

TEMPORAL SPACE AGENT

Based on Pierre Christin and Jean-Claude Mézières’ pulp comic book series Valérian and Laureline which lasted a monumental 44 years from 1966-2010, it is clear that acclaimed director Luc Besson sees this epic science fiction adaptation as his grandiose Avatar moment. Intricately designed and packed full of more CGI than all three Star Wars prequels combined, sadly this is less a return to his The Fifth Element success and more a John Carter-sized flop.

… Keep Scuttling!

CASTLEVANIA – Season One (Netflix Review)

All 4 episodes streaming from: Friday 7th July 2017

Written by: Warren Ellis

Based on the videogame franchise produced by: Konami

Directed by: Sam Deats


 

SYMPHONY OF THE NIGHT

In 15th century Wallachia, an aggrieved Vlad Dracula Tepes (Graham The Hobbit McTavish) sets his night hordes loose on the provinces of Romania after the Church burns his scientist wife, Lisa (Emily Swallow), at the stake for witchcraft. Giving the civilians one year to leave, Dracula unleashes his demonic creatures on a defiant and sceptical people. The hell-beasts tear through the land city-by-city, night-by-night, and the Wallachian’s only chance of redemption comes in the form of a disgraced drunkard.

… Keep Scuttling!

DOCTOR WHO, 10.11 – “World Enough and Time” (TV Review)

Image result for doctor who world enough and time

BBC One – 7:35pm – Saturday 24th June 2017

Written by: Steven Moffat

Directed by: Rachel Talalay


 

OUR USUAL SATURDAY

“Positive attitude will help with the horror to come.”

After a regeneration tease in a blustery cold open, we return to ‘Earlier’ where Missy (Michelle Gomez), Bill (Pearl Mackie) and Nardole (Matt Lucas) board a 400-mile-long colony ship teetering in the gravity well of a black hole. We learn through extensive, largely banterful, dialogue that this is a “test” of Missy’s progress, to see how far she has moved away from her nefarious past, overseen by the Doctor (Peter Capaldi) from the comfort of the TARDIS.

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DOCTOR WHO, 10.10 – “The Eaters of Light” (TV Review)

BBC One – 7:35pm – Saturday 17th June 2017

Written by: Rona Munro

Directed by: Charles Palmer


 

DEATH BY SCOTLAND

It strains credulity to belief it has taken this long, but with episode 10.10, screenwriter Rona Munro became the first person to scribe an episode of the original ‘classic’ series (1989’s concluding “Survival” serial) and new Who. The oldest adventure I have seen in its entirity is the 1996 TV Movie (which I reviewed HERE), so I have no context for how “The Eaters of Light” compares to Munro’s earlier in-universe effort, but to the casual fan last Saturday’s romp in time was pretty much business as usual for the Doctor (Peter Capaldi) and his cohorts.

… Keep Scuttling!

Transformers: The Last Knight (Cinema Review)

12A – 149mins – 2017 – 3D


 

PIECE OF SCRAP

I know it’s lazy to deride Michael Bay’s bloated brigade of big ‘bot battle blockbusters, but boy is this fifth Transformers film a rotten piece of shit! I realise that isn’t a very erudite (or polite) way to kickstart a review, but I’m not editing it for two reasons: Firstly, multi-millionaire Bay, producers Paramount and Hasbro Studios won’t care what The CR@Bpendium thinks of their gallizion dollar expanded-universe franchise – people will still turn out in droves. Secondly, given the amount of bad language that litters this light-hearted adapted-from-toys summer sequel, apparently kids are down with the swearz these days, too?! So the shit stays where it is.

… Keep Scuttling!

DOCTOR WHO, 10.9 – “Empress of Mars” (TV Review)

BBC One – 7:35pm – Saturday 10th June 2017

Written by: Mark Gatiss

Directed by: Wayne Yip


 

THE WAY OF THE WARRIOR

“Sod this for a game of soldiers!”

My overdue run of current series Doctor Who reviews rattles on with this historical military altercation – set in the caverns beneath the surface of the Red Planet! “Empress of Mars” is the first episode in a month not to feature the audience-dividing alien Monks (my opinions on which can be read by clicking 10.6, 10.7 and 10.8), and it sees a sharp step backwards in assimilating gormless assistant Nardole (Matt Lucas) into the main body of the story.

… Keep Scuttling!